Superman Returns as a Deadbeat Dad

I've always liked superheros. I used to read comic books religiously, especially X-Men and some of the DC titles like Legion of Superheros or Dark Knight Returns. But Superman, well, he's never been my favorite. In the Dark Knight Returns, a 60 year-old, alcoholic Batman comes out of retirement to clean up the streets, and he ends up going one-on-one against Superman, who's become an agent of the government, or a tool of "the man." That was always the problem with Superman, he was so powerful that it took bizarre scenarios to cause him any problems, and it seemed like everyone had a little kryptonite stashed away somewhere. It was too much. But in the movies from the late 70's and early 80's with Christopher Reeve they at least managed to make it funny, and the Superman phenomenon probably peaked with Superman II, with the super-cheesy and quotable nemesis General Zod, who was about ten times more entertaining than Lex Luthor.
More recently there's the TV show Smallville, which covers Superman's teenage years and wants to be some kind of cross between the OC and Buffy. No thanks. But I have a feeling that show is part of the reason they decided to make a new Superman movie, and it might also be part of the reason they made such a mess of it.
Superman Returns seems to want to have it all. It wants to recapture the cheesy enthusiasm of the 80's movies, and also tap into that teenage angst thing as well. This is a mistake. First, Kevin Spacey does an OK job as Luthor, intentionally hamming it up the way Gene Hackman did in the original. Spacey is one of the most over-rated actors on the planet, but his tics and mannerisms work well enough when it's meant to be a joke. He's actually much better at comedy than drama in any case, just look at his version of Christopher Walken as Han Solo on SNL. But aside from his jokey-acting, there's really nothing for him to do. The ludicrous plot isn't so much the problem as is the fact that they spend so MUCH TIME on the ludicrous plot. Parker Posey is merely annoying as Luthor's moll, and the henchman are worse than useless. Kal Penn, who was great in "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" doesn't even get to talk in the movie, and the only memorable moment for any of these side characters is when one of them plays Chopsticks on the piano with Lois Lane's young son.
Which brings us to the crucible of this movie's badness. And here I'm going to offer up some spoilers, but frankly, if you haven't seen the movie yet, do you really care? Superman has been gone from Earth for a few years, looking for remnants of his home planet, and while he was gone, Lois Lane really nursed a grudge against him, going so far as to write an article "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman" which somehow wins the Pulitzer! So, now that he's back, Lois is even angrier. But she's moved on hasn't she? She's got a son, and she's got a boyfriend who she hasn't married yet. Which is odd, isn't it? Why wouldn't Lois marry the father of her child? Is this an illogical plot device installed just to leave the door open for Superman? But hold on now, the new boyfriend is a bit of a stiff, and Superman (as Clark Kent) seems to bond with Lois's son. Interesting. What could this mean? Well, as we learn later, this asthmatic child seems to have super-strength! Where could this have come from? Hmmm. Eventually it becomes clear that Superman and Lois did the deed and she had a super-baby, and Superman took off, to "find himself" I guess. Now Lois has a new guy, who may or may not think he's the dad, it's not entirely explained, but Lois loves Superman of course. How complicated! And kind of distasteful. Is this an attempt to humanize Superman? If so, it's a disaster. The last thing we need is to imagine what it would be like if Superman were on the Jerry Springer Show. And what's the message here? At the end of the movie, Superman gives the sleeping boy some fatherly sort of speech that his dad gave to him, and then he flies off, telling Lois he'll "be around." That's great. So, he fathers a child and then takes off, but he'll be back every once in a while. How about some financial support, Superman? How about a regular schedule of visits? No? You've got some stuff to do back at the Fortress of Solitude? Oh, ok, then.
So this is what we get when they try to mix 80's cheese with teenage earnestness. An absolute mess with mixed messages galore, and no fun. If they somehow manage to make a sequel to Superman Returns, I hope Batman returns as well, to knock some sense into him.